you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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