You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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