Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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