His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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