Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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