i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
