I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
