I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
