I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
