and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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