what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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