Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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