wrigley field is MILF paradise
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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