you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
