I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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