so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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