Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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