Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
