the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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