im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And then my night got REAL pukey
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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