I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
