i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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