that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
