Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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