Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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