Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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