He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
