Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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