i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
