My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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