watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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