Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
