We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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