How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
