The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
