Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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