Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
