Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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