Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
