fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
