I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
