honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
