They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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