Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
