Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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