Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
