so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dignity is for republicans.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
