plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
