Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
