I didn't shave. On purpose
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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