I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
