He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
