I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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