I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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