i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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