just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Randomize
