im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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