I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
