All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
