we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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