My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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