I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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