I am midnight drunk by noon
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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