You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
