I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I did not marry a roomba.
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